I used to

I used to know it all. Every question had a ready answer. Never mind that the answers to some questions contradicted the answers to others. They were God’s answers, or so we said, and thus any problem with the answers was ours. After all, “God’s ways are not our ways.” Even in seasons of waiting, I encouraged others who thought like I thought to use intention in order to abide for a time in anticipation. But, we remained convinced that we already knew the answers that would arrive at the end of the waiting.

Now, those answers have fled. I can still see them, hear them, read them. But, I can no longer live within them. Other truth has invaded my thinking. Other people have blessed my life and shared their own answers. Other questions have crowded onto my list without easy answers. And places of worship have invited me to find other places to be.

Reorientation? I will have to truly wait for that one this year.

I’m not even sure that I would call my current state disorientation. I’m not sure my orientation needs calibration or re-calibration. I have looked the universe, or rather that small part of it that I understand, squarely in the eye and found that my answers were noise.

This season of advent, surrounded by disturbing events in the realm of our species, I sit knowing that I do not know — or perhaps that I know too much. I know the universe is large enough, self-sustaining enough, and indifferent enough to continue on if we choose to cease to be. Our matter and energy would simply return to be part of the whole and small disturbance would occur beyond our own self-centered contemplations.

So, this advent I will truly sit in the dark, wait, and watch. This time I do not know what answers may come. This time I am comfortable if no angel choirs appear to declare, “Here is The Answer.” Here in the dark, I can enjoy the beauty of distant lights.